Story of my past. Four letters- Mist

   I scarcely know where I am now. I’ve got no idea who the hell I am. I can be found in this place where I’ve thrown myself by mistake. Right now, I have no escape. Even though I think, every morning of each day, about running away without letting anyone know where I left,but here you still find me. I feel this terrible pain inside me. I cannot describe it, cannot measure it, cannot figure out the accurate point where it comes from, where it all started. I only feel how fast it spreads inside me and how it’s eating me alive.

   In a musty place inside my mind, you will find a little girl. She has been kept away from the real world in a private chamber for a very long time. Until she was 16. In that chamber, everything seemed real for her. She started setting in ideas of that world, a world of her own. The river which was flowing along the edges, the sun and the moon, the grass, the flowers, all those memories she created for herself, because she was always alone.

   The only thing she didn’t know was the truth. The truth about the chamber she was living in, which was the fact that her mother was always setting the temperature inside it and always changing the pictures of the sun and the moon, pasted on the walls. Also, the grass was made of plastic and the river which was nothing but tap water.Nothing was real but she didn’t know that. She lived surrounded by other children and other people who wanted to visit her chamber. Other kids always pushed her away and left, she always had weird ideas. Other people were laughing at her, each time they visited. She didn’t know why. She was attached to her father, because he never tried to hurt her feelings.  Her mother wasn’t like that at all. Her mother was very harsh with her despite the fact she was her only child and as a mother, she loved her newborn child so much that she became obsessed about it. Her child became an object, a doll. The mother started dressing her little girl just as she wanted to, placed her exactly where she wanted to and didn’t let anyone touch her precious doll. The mother’s biggest issue was when she realised her doll was actually alive and started developing a behaviour. Freaked out that she might lose all her work and control, she placed the doll in that chamber I mentioned about. And there she was, the precious doll started growing up and became a little girl.

This little girl loved her mother, in a weird way, even though she never let anyone see that. This girl started being afraid of her mother whom she was slapped by,one day in a train, with relatives and other people all around, at the age of 5.This girl’s mother tried desperately to impose what character should her daughter become, in which ways she should be dressed and how she must act. Her daughter would have done so, if there wasn’t her father with his childish and funny behaviour. He was the first „rebellious act” the little girl had ever seen. She took him as an example so she began to „deviate from the rules”, as her mother said. This was at the girl’s age of 6. After that, she went to school. Her mother wanted to control her in every way possible. She even started to turn her father against her, and that’s the moment when our little girl started to lie and hide. She became used with hiding, so what could’ve been hard? It never worked with her father though, because he always knew her and she also loved him. She couldn’t lie to him so easy. If it weren’t for her mother, she would never have lied at all.  There were a few times when her father would beat her with a belt because she didn’t take care of her school lessons, but she lied to him that she did. He did that because the only thing he always wanted from her was to become smart and happy, because he never had that chance in his childhood. She was afraid of him at that time, but she got over everything a few years later. After the last time her father touched her, she saw regret in his eyes. In that moment, she realised he really loved her and he would never want to hurt her again. He did beat her, but he had never hurt her feelings like her mother had. Her father was her hero, until his courage faded away in front of his own wife.

   The weird thing was that this girl wasn’t open for knowledge. She didn’t like reading, even though she became good at it in her first grade. She wasn’t interested in what was written in books, because, from her opinion, what could be found in books wasn’t real and she had already created an imaginary world for herself in all those years of „childhood”, where she could sing and speak silently to herself so nobody could’ve heard her. There were other things she began being curious about, as she started going to school- the real world. Because she was surrounded by so many kids and other people, she started losing the strong connection she had with her imaginary world. As a result, she tried exploring everything around her, which was something that the other kids had already finished being curious about. She was curious about behaviours, about social interactions, about how other kids looked, how other girls were dressed and she even liked a little boy in her class. He was the „bad kid” because he was punching other kids in the face. She didn’t like him as a person though, she liked his courage and his strength. She even made a friend, another girl, who claimed she had lots of toys and other material stuff and always pointed out how happy she was. This friend was also a rebel, a skinny girl who could do gymnastics moves just because she was agile and light as a feather. Our girl liked her for this. It represented a sort of strength, a thing this friend of her could do and she couldn’t. One day, in 4th grade, she found out her friend had none of the material things she claimed she had, and she was just a girl living with her parents in a small, dirty apartment with a single room. In short, her friend lied to her and had fake personality.

  How hard could it be? There came the 5th grade. Discovering new ways to develop personalities didn’t seem to be such a hard job for our girl. She made other few friends, old classmates from primary school, one of them became her best friend, a girl she met in kindergarten. They began having a lot of fun together, competing with each other in grades and other things. 6th and 7th grade were the best years in our girl’s life. Even though her mother became even worse, by hating her best friend for having a „boy voice” and for „being like a boy”, she loved the friendships she developed, but she started imitating her best friend because in her mind, she was better, despite her mother’s opinion. Everything began to be more and more complicated. Our girl introduced her best friend to another friend she had, her neighbor. Our girl felt pushed away again, because her best friend and the other girl seemed to have more in common with each other. The bullying she kept on facing didn’t help either, and in that period of time, not having a personality really ruined everything. She decided to be like the mean girls she was bullied by. She began acting like a „princess”, started ignoring her old friends and joined the bad girls. Her old friends started hating her, and they really had the right to do it. That wasn’t the problem though- as our girl started acting like a mean, shallow little princess, her mother started to like that about her, and even encouraged her behaviour. Her mother hated her old friends anyway, right? 8th grade was a nightmare. She changed herself completely and her behaviour was unrecognizable by her old friends. There was only one thing she discovered though: drawing. The only thing her mother observed, so she asked her if she wanted to take drawing lessons. Affirmative.

  Our girl finished middle school with half of her class hating her and a boy that she liked who disappeared from the scene after insulting her best friend an entire year. After that, her relationship with her bestfriend faded away. She was all by herself again and continued drawing. She began highschool and her drawing lessons, all with a new personality. She gave herself a nickname in japanese, Andora, which she introduced herself with. Obviously, everyone laughed again. She didn’t notice how bad it was. She met a girl from her class which seemed as weird as her, and they built a friendship. She had a new bestfriend. After three months, she started to like a guy from her class, a weird guy who was overweight and everyone made fun of. She found a similarity in that. She found his curly hair and blue eyes cute. Her bestfriend knew him from middleschool and she hated him. In one night, the guy and our girl were texting and they confessed they liked each other.That was the first conversation with a boy that our girl ever had and that provoked a panick attack, the starting point for her anxiety disorder. The next day after school, they went in a park holding hands like children, and voilà, that was her first love and her first series of accelerated heartbeat. Her bestfriend didn’t accept that realtionship and stopped talking to her because of that. Our girl chose her boyfriend over her bestfriend. The war with her mother became worse all of a sudden. A boyfriend represented a threat for her control against her daughter. The relationship lasted one year and a half with some jealousy issues at the end. Our girl became jealous when she realised that she spent an entire year to help her boyfriend lose weight. He gained a lot of confidence and accepted compliments from other girls. Our girl felt ignored and replaced again and regretted  pushing her bestfriend away. But after that, another male friend of her confessed to her that he liked her, while he was also in a relationship. After three months, that guy broke up with his girlfriend for our girl. That was it. A signature given on a relationship „contract” which contributed in destroying half of her teenage years. She was 16. A relationship that lasted two years and a half. The war with her mother intensified even more, something which buried her into a deep, dark depression. The result of all these and her weird, isolated childhood was a catastrophy. Total chaos. She started smoking, drinking, adopting all sorts of beliefs, and lost herself and her interests completely. She made new friends which were all a bad influence for her.

  That’s what she wanted when she fell into depression- to deny herself. She didn’t have a personality, but she always knew who she was. All the friends she pushed away were the right friends for her. But did she want what was right? She wanted nothing, numbness. She was kept in that chamber, never curious of knowledge and always curious of real things, like nature, as she never understood it. She will always be fascinated by nature because it will always give her that feeling of freedom in her mind. And that’s just because she never knew how freedom tastes. Because in nature, there was no one else, just her and her imaginary world from her childhood. She never knew how the real world works, how the Earth survived all those billions years. All she ever wanted was love, because she knew that she will accept herself one day, she will support herself as she understood that, but she would never be able to love herself. Never. She made her last mistake by choosing a college far away from home and far away from the one guy she met after she finshed highschool and that terrible long relationship, the one she considers to be the love of her life because he opened her eyes. The war continues, that filthy depression hasn’t left and her father became a stranger to her and ,in her eyes, her parents are now just simple people whom she never knew. Simple  people whose lives she never understood. Her father will always crave his youth back, and her narcissistic mom will probably die in sad way, regretting everything she did. Where was her fault for not having the happy family portrait as she saw everywhere? The only one that started understanding her in all those years of depression, was her grandmother. She loves that woman - who might betray her anyday, because she is her mother's mother and also a very naive old woman- with all her heart.

  Right now, this girl wishes she ould express all the love she has in herself, despite all the things she’s been through. But she feels like she isn’t able to do that. She feels that pain inside her, like everything’s locked in there. Like her mother did with her, she locked all the beautiful feelings inside a chamber, trying to control them. Her mother had the experience, but she hasn’t, so, as a result, right now she doesn’t know how to let those feelings out. She wants to give it all up and live alone for the rest of her life, avoiding people in real life. Sometimes, she even pushes her boyfriend away when he wants to help her and be by her side, despite the long distance relationship they have since 18th August 2015. Our girl lied a lot and took revenge on people who weren't guilty. She betrayed some people just because she had been betrayed by other people in the past. Her boyfriend accepted that and tries to trust her, because she wants to change. She is 20 now. But in what ways does she want to change? Does she want to spend her life in the future with a family of her own, or all by herself? Her realtives betrayed her one by one, and she loved them all. They are all gone. Her parents moved abroad a few moths ago. There is no one left in her hometown besides her grandmother and her ex-bestfriends. One of her ex-bestfriends, the one who hated her first boyfriend, confessed a few months ago that she was in love with her, that she questions her orientations. After that, she told our girl it hurts talking to her after all she did, and she also has a boyfriend, so.. she blocked her. The two ex-bestrfriends are in the same college now. What a coincidence, right?

This is the short story of the little girl inside my mind. The little girl who went through all the things mentioned above. This is short the story of how I grew up.

Four letters: past.